First post and that’s a rather gloomy fucking title. But here’s the thing I’m blogging because I think it will help with my depression so this really is the start. Seriously. My brain is always full of stuff, some good, some bad, some helpful, some useless. All in there, buzzing around like tinnitus.
I’ve likely suffered depression all my life but only really got some medical help in 2014 (it was a very, very bad year). I’ve been mentally pretty good for about seven months. I’ve managed things drug and psychologist free pretty well. A few minor slumps but overall pretty good. For the last two weeks though it’s been pretty shit. Feelings over being completely drowning or wading through molasses. Self doubt, self loathing. My planing has died, replaced by horrific procrastination.
I’m planning to travel the world next March for a year. I’m packing up my life, taking a year’s worth of annual leave and pulling up stumps to go travelling… for a whole fucking year. I need to be planning and scheduling and researching and Evernoting and Wunderlisting and Tripit…ing. Instead I’m stagnating. Finding anything to do that doesn’t involve getting sorted.
So why blog? Well it came to me the other day after having a meltdown as a result of… wait for it… leaving my security pass at home, for the third time in a fortnight. That ended with me screaming at myself for 15 minutes, while balling my eyes out, while sitting in my car, while thinking I should go home and get back into bed… forever. I eventually calmed down but I cried a bit more during the day, had a minor row with Ash, reflected, apologised, had a molasses day the next day. Spent the day on the verge of tears, made an appointment to see the GP again.
At some point I got to thinking. The pass was a bit of an indicator of how scattered my mind is right now. I’m prone to leaving stuff behind anyhow but I got home and there it was sitting right on the edge of the vanity. So I’d got it out, then left it behind only moments later. I almost never forget my pass. That’s a pretty sketchy brain.
So while reflecting on why my brain gets so full of “noise” I wondered if letting some of it out might work. I spoke to a lovely friend who’s a really prolific blogger. I talked with her about the motivation to blog and what the process is good for. I tried to zero in on the idea that this is just me talking. It’s me saying what’s happening for me. I do also like to share. I Facebook a lot anyhow so I’m ok with putting something out there. I’d also occasionally like to ask questions or see what others think.
L was really supportive of giving it a go. Who cares if it doesn’t continue? Who cares if it dies? I’ve decided to move some of my jumble out of my head and onto the page.
So this is my diary. You’re welcome to read it but it’s about reflection and there’s junk to blow the dust off. I have no idea or concern whether it’s interesting but if you get something from it then I hope it’s something good.
Oh. I remembered my pass today.